


Reserve

by alltoseek



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood Trauma, Gen, Kid Fic, Time Period: Vorkosigan Regency, foster parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 02:13:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15329445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltoseek/pseuds/alltoseek
Summary: In the first year of the Regency, five-year-old Gregor's grief emerges in an oblique way.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> many thanks, as always, to betas aclyone301 and feroxargentea, who make my work readable :-)

“But can’t I stay here with you as my Da?” Gregor asked.

“No, Kasp- Sire, no.” Kaspar was what Gregor’s pretend Da had been calling him. He wished he’d keep calling him that. He didn’t want to go back to being Gregor, being Emperor. ‘Kaspar’ had a Da, and goats, and rode a horse with his Da, and got to do things, and didn’t have to keep still and be quiet all the time. 

“Why not? I don’t want to go back,” he said. 

His pretend Da sighed. “I have a wife and child I need to get back to.”

“Oh.” Gregor understood. If you had a real son, you didn’t need a pretend one.


	2. Days and Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are days and then there are days.

Gregor’s days are all pretty much the same. Breakfast time, learning time, snacktime, playtime, learning time, Emperor time, lunchtime. Naptime, learning time, snacktime, Emperor time, playtime, dinner time. 

Emperor time is when he is being Emperor. Often that means sitting quietly on the camp stool in the big chamber in the Castle where the Counts meet. But sometimes it is in a different room in the Castle, or the Great Hall in the Residence, or another room in the Residence.

Occasionally it is somewhere altogether different, like when he watches a parade. Parades sound like they ought be fun to watch, but they usually go on too long and get boring and it’s hard to stand there being quiet and good the whole time. Sometimes Gregor thinks it would be more fun to be  _ in _ the parade, instead of watching it. Maybe all that march march marching would get boring too, but at least he would get to  _ do _ something.

During Emperor time Aral tells him what to say and do, and then Gregor says and does those things, and then Aral makes them true. Aral is Lord Regent, which means he makes the Emperor things true. If Gregor tries to do or say an Emperor thing that isn’t right, Aral doesn’t make it true, and nothing happens or changes. (Gregor tried it once, to make a parade end. He thought that would be okay, because making a parade be over couldn’t hurt anyone. But Aral just frowned at him and the parade kept going.)

There is only one Emperor, Gregor, and one Lord Regent, Aral, and that makes things less confusing for everyone.

The main difference in his daily routine is between formal days and family days. There are more formal days than family days. On family days there might not be any Emperor time. However, there is always family time after dinner on family days. Family dinners are always him and Aral and Cordelia. Sometimes Aunt Alys is there, too, sometimes with baby Ivan and sometimes not. Nowadays sometimes baby Miles is there too, but usually not. Uncle Simon is usually at family dinner.

Family time is always him and Aral and Cordelia, and they play or read or watch a holovid together. This is always his favorite time ever. Nowadays baby Miles is often with them, but sometimes he is sleeping or in treatment. Sometimes Aunt Alys and baby Ivan join family time too, but not very often. Uncle Simon is almost never at family time.

On formal days there is no family time. Instead there’s a short playtime before bedtime. Dinner lasts longer, and is formal. Formal dinner is like Emperor time, only it takes place at the formal dining table instead of in the Castle or the Great Hall.

The other difference is that the playtime before dinner is cut short, because there is ‘breaving’ time before the formal dinner. That is when Aral explains to him what he needs to know, and do, and say during the dinner. Or not say. Often Aunt Alys is there too, to remind him of edikit. Sometimes Uncle Simon is at the breaving, and on occasion Prime Minister Vortala.

Never Cordelia, though. Not at the breavings. Usually she is at the dinner, though, which is good. Whenever the formal dinners get too boring to keep sitting there being good, he looks at Cordelia and she smiles at him, all crinkly, even if he’s been fidgeting (making Alys frown) or saying the wrong things (making Aral frown). Her smiling, crinkly face always makes him feel better, and then he can endure the dinner just maybe five more minutes.

  
  


Today there is a formal dinner. He gets bored and sneaks his teacup under the napkin in his lap. He makes the teacup-napkin into a mountain with a cave. Then he uses the napkin holder as a pretend horse and makes it go up and all around the mountain and sometimes into the cave and out again.

He gets frowns from both Aral and Aunt Alys, but Cordelia gives him an extra crinkly smile.

After dinner he plays horse and mountain and caves during playtime. Droushie plays with him, which is a lot of fun. Aral is always busy on formal days and nowadays Cordelia is busy with Miles most of the time.

After playtime he takes his bath and Nurse Dovski helps him clean his teeth and get ready for bed. She smiles and tucks him in, and says goodnight and kisses his forehead. Gregor lies in bed and waits for Cordelia or Aral to come say goodnight. 

A baby starts crying. It’s Miles. It’s almost always Miles, even though Ivan sometimes stays the night too, or someone else with a baby. He knows it’s Miles this time because it has that piercing pitch Miles gets when he’s in pain.

Footsteps pass Gregor’s room and soon the cries stop. A bit later he hears footsteps in the hallway again. He thinks they are Aral’s and Cordelia’s but he’s not completely sure. Then he hears their voices murmuring and he is certain it’s them.

The baby is crying again. Cordelia’s footsteps go one way, and Aral’s another.

Gregor waits.

He’s sure Cordelia or Aral will remember about him eventually.

 

  
When he wakes up, it’s still night, but several hours later. He knows this because his bedtime guardsman, Ander, is gone; and his middle-night guardsman, Torvik, is now the one standing by the door.

Gregor lies in bed staring at the ceiling. He isn’t sleepy. The whole Residence is quiet. Even the baby has stopped crying.

He gets up and opens his bedroom door. He pads down the hall in his soft footie pajamas. Torvik follows. That’s his job. To follow him and keep him safe. But he never tells Gregor what to do or not do unless it is about keeping him safe. Gregor likes that about his guardsmen. All the other adults are always telling him what to do, or not do. Aral, Cordelia, Aunt Alys, Nurse Dovski. But he can pretend the guardsmen aren’t even there and they don’t mind.

Gregor enters the baby’s room. Sergeant Bothari is slumped in a chair, snoring. Gregor looks down at the baby in its cradle. It’s ugly. Even sleeping it’s ugly. It looks all wrong. It lies all crooked. Ivan looks like a regular baby but this one is all messed up. Gregor doesn’t know how anyone could love it, this ugly thing.

There’s a sofa next to the crib. He picks up a small cushion from the sofa and places it over the ugly baby face. He holds it there.

He hears Torvik call out “Sire!” and then Bothari is there lifting the baby away. No one touches Gregor or says anything to him. Bothari just stands there holding the ugly twisted baby and he is looking at it and not even looking at Gregor.

He can’t stand it anymore. He cries out, “It’s not fair! He’s a twisted scrawny thing and even if he’s not a mutie he looks like one and he should die! Instead Cordelia loves him and spends all her time with him! My mother and father died and I have nobody and Miles has everyone and he’s lucky and it’s not fair!”

Cordelia comes into the room. Aral is right behind her. They both look upset. He’s glad. They should be as unhappy as he is. Cordelia tries to say something but he yells at her. “I hate you! You’re ugly and my mother was beautiful and you killed her so you could save Miles who’s even uglier and I don’t have my mother anymore and it’s not fair!” He dodges behind Torvik and runs out of the room. 

He runs past his bedroom and goes into an empty room no one uses. He crouches down in a corner and wraps his arms around his legs. He puts his face against his knees and cries and cries until his pajamas are all soaked. He rocks himself back and forth a little bit to try to feel better but it doesn’t help much.

After a while he notices that Droushie is sitting quietly nearby. She doesn’t say anything but she looks at him with kind eyes. He looks back at her. He mumbles, “I didn’t mean to hurt the baby.”

“I know, dear heart,” Droushie says. “We all know.”

He shifts over so he’s nearly in her lap. Droushie puts her arms around him. “I didn’t mean it about Cordelia and Miles being ugly.”

“I know. We know. It’s all right.”

He shakes his head against her side. She sighs. “No, it’s not all right. It’s not right your mother died, and it’s not right Miles was poisoned, and it’s not right you have to be Emperor so young and no one has enough time just for you.”

He doesn’t say anything but hugs her back hard, as hard as his little arms could. “I love you, Droushie. I’m sorry I made all this trouble.”

“Shhh. It’s all right - you’re forgiven. I love you too. We all love you; Cordelia and Aral too, just like they love baby Miles.”

He shakes his head again. “No they don’t. They love Miles more. He’s  _ their _ baby.”

“That’s not true,” Cordelia says from the doorway. Gregor looks up at her, startled. She takes a couple of steps into the room and kneels down near him and Droushie. “We do love you, just like we love Miles. You're our son as much as he is, genetic relation or not.”

He frowns. “My mother…”

“I know,” says Cordelia. “I’m not trying to replace her. Kareen will always be your mother, and I’m so very sorry she died. But I will be your mother too, now, and you will always be my son, and I will always love you. Do you understand, Gregor?”

He looks at her for a while. He’s not sure he believes her. But then he nods. He decides she’s telling the truth. He holds his arms out. Cordelia reaches toward him and they hug, as hard as he and Droushie had. “I’m sorry, about Miles, and, and what I said.”

“It’s all right, like Drou said. We forgive you, okay?”

He nods his head against her.

“And I’m sorry I haven’t had much time for you. Taking care of Miles is a lot of work; it’s going to take a lot of my time. But I never forget about you, and I always still love you, understand?”

Gregor sighs, and snuggles in closer. He understands. He understands too well.


End file.
